Dear Diary, 12.08

Obsessing myself with Sex and the City Movies lately. Imagining me as Carrie Bradshaw wearing Manolo Blahniks while studying the Biochemical aspects of the human body. Very classy. 

*PFFTTT

My father once told me, " Sa lahat ng karangyaan mo sa buhay, ewan ko na lang kung hindi ka pa pumasa". Now I am feeling guilty. 

Yes, God winks.

Just got a good news, yday. I'm not giving all my hopes, but I'm praying for it to happen. 

and then she sighs...

Before I enter first year medical school for the second time, I keep asking God to make me feel about the way I feel when I reviewed for nursing board exam for the second time last 2010. -- You know, the feeling of wanting something very bad you just can't give up no matter how hard the process just to attained it?-- But all I get was doubts, lots of it. whether to continue medical school or just quit because that's more easy than the latter. Throughout the  school year, I was unconsciously searching, hoping for an inspiration to come -- the real ones, and no pretenses -- but as I lay my head on the pillow every night to sleep, I ended up with questions, " Is medical school really for me?", "should I keep on going?", "What if I fail again?". 

This school year was sure fun, -- outing with medfriends as if there is no school next thing in the morning, pigging- out to distressed ourselves, cutting classes if the professor were no fun -- but I was blinded by it. All play and no work. 

I relaxed. soo much, I admit. Nobody to blame but myself. I let the sugar-coated moments get through me. I should've controlled myself to indulge on things. but it happened. 

I failed once more, but this time it's only Biochem. -- the three subjects are for remedials, and I'm praying for it to passed. -- Imagined, if I pushed myself hard enough I should've enjoying the price right about now. But that's life, it will make you fall again and again, harder and harder until you learned the lesson. 

Second year, next year. I'm claiming it. It's hard to admit but, una-unahan nga lang yan, at the end of the day, we will all be Doctors. 

I missed this feeling, the feeling that really comes from the heart and not some pinilit lang to make you feel "ay, seryoso na ako". . I may not cry physically, but deep inside me I know I've woke up from a dream. I am ready to face reality, no matter how deep it'll bites.

God bless me thru my journey.

I'm looking forward on reading this blog in the near future with an MD on my name and a smile on my face.  

strawberryKrys