current state of mind

[late post]

10.01.11

I am torn between in between and between. shuddap drama queen.

"stable job and secure future" career, or

pursue medicine
which was my childhood dream
okay, not the super dream but one of my thousand dreams
that I wanna fulfill

or, do my profession and go abroad and make a tower of moolah

interior designer

I love arts and stuff. I love designing, no questions ask.
The passion is burning with desire
now is not now for this but someday, I know, I'll be one 
"someday" is just around the corner after all.

furniture designer

other obsession
I always find myself amazed with people
 who can make awesome pieces of art from something
I wish I had their exceptional talent
OOOOHHHHHHSOMENESSSS!!!!!

make-up--minus the artist--
I just want to learn it for my sake. LOL

I don't wanna be a Michelin chef
but, sure, am wanna learn how to cook
#teachmehowtocookie

besides from a furniture shop, I wanna have a restaurant
methink it's a good investment and I really really want to have one, period.

I never thought beginnings are this punishing not until now. Some sort of life-changing decision I need to make before I live myself with regrets. I'm considering it--the job I'm applying for-- but, I'm sure as hell, I DON'T WANT IT. Maybe I am just blinded for practicality reasons. I don't know.

should I stay on safety nest or should I dare to dream

This is not the first time I talk about this. The path is still blurry, I don't know what way to go. Should I pursue what I started--'cos it already cost me alot--or drop it until I can because it's not what I wanted or maybe 'cos I'm just afraid for a total new environment I'm going to get in and I am not used to it. I don't know, that what I am a hundred percent sure of now.


But thanks for this article, it answers some of my unconscious questions. maybe it is fear or maybe not. well. I really don't know.


I can't say that I don't what my first choice because something deep inside me holds on, maybe it's fear that makes me wanna quit. IDK, my mind is circling and kind of lost its sanity.

...

  

How To Transform Fear From Your Worst Enemy To Your Greatest Asset(Take this short mental quiz to find out..)

QUIZ: Is Fear Holding You Back?

1. Do you find yourself overly focused on past failures?

1. Do you find yourself choking you on an overwhelming sense of uncertainty when faced with change?

1. Do you tend to spend more time avoiding, outrunnning or hiding from fear?

1. When you are worried do you tend to get busy?

1. Do you bury your head in the sand when things aren't going well?

1. Do you waste time fighting resisting fear?

1. Does fear lock you into your own private hell of endless “what if” or “what next” loops?

1. When you feel afraid do you start hedging bets or planning exits?

1. Do you struggle to make decisions if you are unsure of the outcome?

1. Are you constantly worrying about the future unable to stay present in life as it is right now?

1. Do you make excuses or find reasons not to follow through on new oportunities?

1. Do you constantly look to the past before being able to make decisions in the present?

1. Do you struggle trusting your partner in relationships?

(If you answered yes to even one of the questions above, this might be the most important

5 minutes you'll ever spend reading...)

From the desk of Erin Falconer The Editor of PickTheBrain.com

Dear Fellow Awesome Human Being -

What Do You Do When You Feel Afraid?

Do you fall into the fetal position, frozen by the fear of failure?Do you try to avoid feeling fear by pretending it doesn't exist?Are you the kind of person who gets pissed at the world, swinging at anyone and everyone in your way, determined to fight your way through your fear?The truth is, it really doesn’t matter what you do when you feel afraid...Truth #1 Your Resistance Only Serves To Build Fear’s Persistance!Let me explain by asking you one quick question.Have you ever really thought about what it costs you to play all these little cat and mouse games with fear?Clearly I’m not talking about the fear of heights, clowns, small spaces, snakes or other phobias.(Although they’re all VERY real, these are NOT the fears that keep you from the life your heart knows you deserve!)The fears I’m talking about are every day little worries that creep up on you. At first they seem harmless. Then they keep coming. And coming. Soon it's a full on assault - stalking you constantly - minute by minute, day by day, slowing hijacking your life!The problem is - you have no clue it's even happening..Until it's too late... Truth #2 Fear Is Your Constant CompanionIt doesn’t matter if you choose to avoid, ignore, deny or fight your fear - it’s still there with you every single day... whether you know it or not!Don't you think it's become a little too easy for you to blame your problems on YOU?You can't get a new job because you are "unmotivated".You can't lose those last 15 lbs. because "you're exhausted - you spread yourself too thin"You can't find the courage to go on a date believing "you're too shy".Or maybe you're even are harder on yourself with thoughts like "I'm depressed", "I'm lazy" or "Oh, I'm just not a very confident person - that's not me!"And guess what - it's COMPLETE AND UTTER BS!But more than that, my friend?It's tragic...Yes - it's a complete tragedy you believe any of this crap about you!As if the REAL you could EVER be anything but AMAZING.And don't start beating yourself up about this - you are NOT alone.Besides, are you really surprised you're feeling this way? How could you NOT blame yourself if that's all you've been taught?I mean how would you know NOT to at this point if that's what you were taught? It's all you know!The fact is most of these fears have been programmed since childhood!And you better believe those tentacles of fear will only continue to tighten their vice like grip on your life, until you have complete faith in your "specialness".Honestly...can you even remember a time in your life when you lived without worry, guilt or worse - numbness in your life?Truth #3 You're More Scared Than You ThinkAny thought triggering feelings of stress, anxiety, anger, even sadness - has one root cause - FEAR.Most of the time it's in your "blind spot". (It was planted so long ago, it’s become a part of who you think you are now.)Fear is quick sand for your soul.Fear makes moving forward so painfully slow to move - it feels like a noose around your neck, choking every last breath of hope right out of your body...If you let it.But what if you knew for a fact fear is nothing more than a bully holding your happiness in a headlock – would you really let it control you every single day?Truth #4 What Is Your Fear COSTING You?Have you ever wanted something so badly you would've traded almost anything to have it, then all of a sudden, for no reason, it gets ripped out of your hands, right before your very eyes? Devastated by defeat you don't even really hear the tiny voice of fear whisper quietly, "I told you so! This is what happens when you out yourself out there. You know you aren't good enough and don't deserve these type of things - why do you even try?"Meanwhile you don't barely notice depression sneaking in to set up camp.Have you ever been so afraid to be alone that you stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship - dying to leave but terrified you'll ever find someone who will really love you?And with every tear you cry, your self-esteem slowly evaporates.Do you feel like you're trapped in a hole you can't dig out of every time you stress out on how to make ends meet this month?As the dollars disappear from your bank account, your confidence crumbles.Truth #5 You Are NOT Your FearThe truth is you're lying to yourself if you see you as anything but AWESOME.If you can't see the truth of who you are, you MUST change your filter NOW!Before it's too late...Before all hope is gone...Before your dreams disappear into nothingness...Before you give up, calling yourself nothing but a lost cause - you must know the truth!You don't have to "fight" fear - there’s nothing to “beat”...All you need to do is learn to play the game with a different set of rules starting with knowing fear is NOT a filter for truth - it's only a pathway to change.The truth is simple...Fear can free your soul IF you know how to separate WHO you are from WHAT you're feeling - they are NOT the same thing!To do this, you must step up by opening your eyes.And you must start actively participating in your life.Unless you want to continue to let your fear define, defeat or even worse control you...Truth #6 In Gratitude There Can Be No FearWhat if you could see your fear as nothing more than a mind supported global positioning system (GPS) like you use in your car?Now let's pretend this system is personalized with your beliefs and values - giving you the best navigation system EVER built - for your life.(That would be nice, wouldn't it?)Well here's the secret...that's all fear is supposed to be - your personal GPS.Feelings of fear are actually designed to help you - to steer you back on track.Fear is simply trying to say, "Hey this is important? You sure you up for this because I don't know where you're going all of a sudden - I'm not sure we can do this. Maybe we should turn around and go home?"It begins a campaign designed to convince you by reminding you of all the times you've failed in the past because you weren't good enough.And you believe it!You actually let fear terrorize your mind into thinking you should swim back safely to shore - to the safety of what you know.But there's only one problem...Your current beach front property ain't working out for you is it?(Which is probably why you were trying a new approach in the first place.)So there you are - trying to make a change while fear is screaming in your face, "No change! Change is scary!! I'm not sure we can handle change!"Your mind grabs onto this fear frequency - not sure if it's up to the task - and it uses your fear to talk you into going back to the "comfort" zone.You see the funny thing is the mind doesn't care if staying put means you'll continue to be alone, broke or despondent!(Especially if your belief system says that's what you deserve.).It just wants to do what's easy.Think about it like this...Have you ever used a GPS to get you to your destination and left the planned route because there's an accident or just bad traffic?As the GPS voice harps at you to make a u-turn back to the guided route, do you do it?No. You're confident in your choice.You just think, "Yeah, yeah, I know I'm off route cupcake - but I got this!"That's all fear is supposed to do...it's there to guide you - that's it!Just like the annoying voice in your car keeping you on track, your fear signals to you when a pathway of real change has been opened up right in front of you.Truth #7 Fear Is Your Crystal BallResisting, avoiding or fighting fear only serves as a distraction.By giving fear energy you are choosing to give it the ENERGY from YOUR LIFE - until you’re nothing but an empty shell of your true potential.Think about it...Is it really laziness or a lack of motivation that keeps you from the job you want or the date of your dreams...Or is it the fear of rejection?Do you sabotage the growth you so desperately desire because you can't make decisions...Or is it because you're afraid to make the wrong one - terrified to fail?Are you trapped in old shattered patterns that stopped serving you long ago because you hate change...Or do you believe this is as good as it gets and it's all you deserve?I don't know which one applies to you - heck maybe all of them...But I DO know keeping fear as your constant companion - in any capacity - means you're basically handing over the keys to your life, making it impossible for you to embrace possibility!Imagine using fear as your own personal crystal ball guiding you towards the best possibilities for your best life...Imagine feeling that first flutter of fear...and smiling...That's right - can you imagine welcoming fear with the open arms with gratitude that you're moving - growing - making progress... Can you imagine if you could really use the power of fear to free your soul?And now, this time with compassion and empathy for YOU, circle back to your life ask yourself this...Is the fear of failure keeping you from the financial freedom you deserve?Is the fear of being laughed at, or ending up worse off than you are right now holding you back from finding your soul mate?Are you exhausted by constantly trying to avoid or eliminate your fears?Is the stress of “fighting” through it beginning to take it's toll on your soul?Then stop - resisting fear is the number one reason you're not succeeding!You can stop the madness and change everything if you quit resisting.Truth #8 Fear Is The Only Way ToUnlock Your PowerNo matter what you’re afraid of or what you do, one thing is certain...By harnessing your fear you can leverage its power finally drive you to the other side of YOU!Are you finall ready to...

• Tap into the power of your fears and transform your life into world of freedom, fulfillment and UNLIMITED joy.

• Let fear lead you to a new possibility and potential, every time.

• Welcome change as an opportunity for growth and joy.

• Ride the wave to break through to an amazing YOU!

source: http://pickthebrain.com/blog/poweroffearsignup/ 

2:00 am and wide-eyed

So odd, I can't believe myself I'll be in to blog tutorials. There's just great lots of stuffs to write about to just focus on to what has been your trademark. 


But I'm just glad I can lend a cyberhand to the newbie bloggers  -and I really hope it does- . I have so much to learn about  -M'kind of mastered the basic of the basics talk about HTML encoding, but I know it won't do as much when you want to be really into blogging tutorials- , and I am taking my babysteps to the new learnings in the coming times. I will not close doors. no way. ever.


Just yesterday, I'm asking for onlinehelp on how to remove the edges on my blog. But I had it figured it out myself  -posted hours ago-  , just then lately after posting my 'virtualcry'.


Whats more weirder than munching on a chopped ginger while making this entry. freaky. way too freaky. HAA


UCH. But my mom will push me out of bed if with out chewing some 'cos I can not stop barking due to the unnecessary roughness in my throat and a tightened feeling in my chest. join me in my mishaps, fellas. *sniff *sniff


some virus or bacteria had got me and led me into this unfortunate situation. And what is more alarming is that I can't find my way through out. I'd taken series of anti-bacterial meds already  -my 7th and final day tomorrow-  but it seems no use.


Maybe or not, my immune system drops so low that I couldn't get back to shape in a snap. instinctive feeling. 


OMIGOSH, this is what I can get over and over if I'll continusly lack myself from proper nourishment. Yes, I'm old enough to know that stuff just to stubborn like a two year old kid not to dwell in it. ironic.


mmmmmK. back to what has been the sole purpose of why am composing this entry. 


Blog tutorials bloggers from across the line, will inspire me to this new-found-hobby. It will suck BIGTIME from the start  -bet myself-  , in time, it'll better. keep dreaming, tin. HAA!:)~


well, I can't name names who helped me  -through their entries-  to come up with the blog design 'cos its pretty insanely to remember names via their A.K.A . But I can't thank them enough. OWEmgosh. TY!


I couldn't promise anything to be well mastered but atleast I'll try to put it on their simplest ways possible. HTML encoding can be a bit tricky, you should be friended trial-and-error before now and then. LOLJK


You know, I should chase little Z's right now. I'll meet up with my friend tomorrow, first thing in the morning. And it's too late to stay up late. wait. wutt? HAHAHA


goodnight, goodnight
adios, kate moss 


PS: just now, I heard my neighbor barking hard as I did. I felt a tinged of guilt and felt I'm obliged to say airsorry knowing without a doubt I caused them that. who else more than me. Encountered them last night while me having the barking session by myself outside our apartment. saree neighbor in the front door. bettah' watch out next time! 


done with an airkiss. LOLJK
I wanna live more


xoxo

better best

Here I am, infront of my laptop. Thinking how time flies by so fast. I remember -September- last year, I'm dreading myself on to what will happen in my 2011 -Will I pass the board?-  and now it's nearing to end.


This year is so far so good. Happened the way I hoped it will be -In the first quarter, atleast. I set aside my planner on the two (2) remaining quarters. And talk about how to handle the unplanned, I prepared myself to have a positive mindset, with whatever comes. Come hell or hight water. better be ready.-


Some "freak me out" situation happened just lately -& I don't want to go deeper in the topic. I really don't want to talk or even think about it. 'cos it really is freaking me out. And what I can do better about it is to do some sniffing. sniff sniff sniff. freakin' sniffin'.


I'm freaking bigtime myself this year, but the next, I demand nothing but pure bliss. Two years in a state like doom and gloom could've been the worst, but what worst than worst, If you do not give yourself some time off from the less things worth not your time.


mmmmm. But I can not help myself not to dread about what awaits me. but I also insisted -to myself- , 2012 will do good to me. hopes high. fingers and toe nails, crossed.

... Just got back, watched PURE LOVE...

I don't have much to say. I'm all psyched and anxious about the coming times.

I do not know what to expect. I don't know what to consider. And I do not want to be surprised, talk about that.

put it all together

stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.stress.

I've been under a lot of stress.

I don't know what to wear!!!! I need it on saturday next week. I can not even find my solemate yet. been to north, gone to south, it's nowhere to be found. 


Add up the stressed, depression and pressure I got from unfortunate things happened lately. workin' berkin' crap. sighhhhh


Not to mention, the unnecessary roughness I feel in my throat right now. Must be my two days lack of winks and eats that cause my immune system to drop down so low. NO! vitamin C, load up.


I've been listening to Hoku's perfect day alot,like a lot lot lately. I don't know but it calms me ahead the stressing day. I don't need mozart or beethoven, this song can do me better. 

It's a pop song and it gives me energy.

mad decision

Some love&hate collide situation here.


I don't know what am I thinking when I finally agreed to try my beginners luck as an applicant in the world that men mostly dominates.


I must've been psyched with the idea of the job itself. I mean, it's not so me. No, No, lemme' rephrase that. IT'S NOT ME!!! (I wanna dress-up, put make-up, do photoshoots, travel, be a boss and the like) and never even in my wildest dreams that I think I'll become one (in Gods will) sooner than later. CLUE: men in blue.


What happened in the last five years was out of my planner. Where I had been was a full surprised. well, partly. before going to college,I remember saying, " I don't like nursing and never well I take up nursing". ending? I have RN on my last name now. And then there's moment, while pondering on some things, I don't want to be one with men in blue. ending? It's the first job I applied for.


my point is, things that I've given less attention before has became & become now my greatest priority.road map. some twist of fate? I guesso.


After months of fighting and resisting the urge to quit, I know deep in my heart that somehow I found passion with the profession I'm going to be in.


I can not stop thinking with the bumpy rides I'm going to take to get there, but as long as I can ignore the midnight thoughts, I'll continue to walk with hope 'til i reach my destination.


There will be detours, I know. But I also know myself as a pusher on anything I start doing. I'm writing this because I am pressure more than words.


Like tomorrow, applicants and that includes me will be having our  HT&wT. Just the thought of going there makes me wanna pee. I can not ignore the pressure and the nervousness I'm feeling just like that, it hits my nervous system bigtime.


It announced as a surprised. And it only takes a conditioned mind to accept it wholeheartedly. I am raving about the whole process not just the HT&WT per se. I am all nerves.


I am waiting for the call last month, I received it just today when my physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and all it takes to be human preparedness level was ocean deep. OHGAAA


Glad Mom will accompany me tomorrow. but still.


Goodvibes, bee hives.


I shall sleep na. Goodnight

feels like yesterday

[26th of august, 2010]

Open my eyes,it's already nine (9) in the morning. I saw the sun showing his might. I Bounce out of my bed and hurried down the stairs. 


[doing my usual morning habits]


Greeted my Mom, auntie and cousin a "good morning", eat breakfast and then fly upstairs to get my precious phone.


swipe to right my thumb and saw a 1 message received on the screen. The message goes like "lumabas na result ng boards", I don't remember who texted though. mixed of emotions i felt, excitement and nervousness.


I shouted to my housemates, " lumabas na daw result, paki-tignan. wag niyo akong bibiglain ah" as my heart goes thump-thump. Also called daddy to check-on the result. I started crying (imagine it's just 10 o'clock in the morning and i already have a zoombie eyes, red&puffy), i cry and cry and cry as I'm checking my FB on my phone (thank god to wi-fi).


And I even cry louder and harder when I saw my classmates and schoolmates and result waiting mates (who already saw the result) putting RN on their last name while my cousin shouted back at me "neng, wala pa naman result. di namin makita. anong site daw ba?"


"meron na, nakita na nga nila eh. may mga RN na nga pangalan nila". still crying, (after a minute or two) my auntie (mommy's older sister and was here for a vacation) went to our room and whisper to me, "neng, di ka nakapasa".


my sense of hearing are in the midst of whether to hear it or to heart it not. "sure ka? dinouble check nio ba?", "bawi ka nalang sa december, magdasal and magsimba ka kasi lagi". I didn't hear the following words she'd say.


I hugged my pillow tight, crying, still holding my phone and checking my FB profile once in a while if theres any congratulatory wall posts on it , to be sure just in case they were wrong (see how denial i am, it's much worst when you saw me that time).


i saw none, followed up by sympathy messages from my friends (who gladly passed), still! reality do not sink in.


after my auntie, my cousin, went up and hugged me and told me to stop crying 'cos there's next time. that those who made it just got enough luck.


but, I'm still crying. and then my mom went upstairs, told me the same thing. hugged and kissed me. calmed me. Called daddy again and told him I didn't make-it and thank God for the soothing-words from my parents and my sister who still have the guts to joke me up but I know she cares 'cos she texted me blaming herself from what happened to me. sweet.


five hours of non-stop crying, I must've gotten tired. I wiped my now dried-eyes, went downstairs with my hik-hik-hik sound. 


My auntie suggested that we go to the nearby church (we did). as I walked on the pathway on our way home, I can only feel the air kissing my cheeks and brushing off my hair away from my face.nothing else. 

...

after what happened, I'm close to deactivating my account. I can't stand to see the NRNs, posting like this and that. It crushing my heart to bits and the to bits and bits. I don't go to the bottle session invites. "victory" party. I'm literally socially shut-off.


I put myself in a shell as I ponder on the things that concerns me.


a month or two, when I broke the shield I built between myself and others. and thats also the time that I gained enough guts to see the results of the board that gave me so much heart pain.


I pick myself little by little, the pain remains, ofcourse! and with the support of my other co-losers (that time, HAA). I enrolled again to a review class where I wanted to review from the very beginning but because of the influenced of my friends and because I didn't want to be separated from them, i didn't choose.


I can managed to open my FB account once in a while (not every minute like before). I talk to my friends (not usual like before). i go to bottle sessions (not every invite like before). I'm near grounded. 


two (2) months focus on review equals to two months abstinence from pleasurable things. It been my mantra and as my mommy always used to say to me and I never nevermind, " two months, just two months then you can do whatever you want." and I never regret every little sacrifices I made that time.


looking back at my first review and the things I've done those times, I realized that I unconsciously took it for granted as I compared it to how determined, serious and focus I am at my second review.


I wake up early everyday to review before going to class. I go to church every after review. I learned to be patient. I learned to be dead serious with my duties as a review e. I never felt this positivity before. I never felt so inspired (minus literal inspiration). 


I am the epitome of energizerbunny. HAA!


if you read my previous entries, you'll know its not my first time  to blog about my failure. I can't help myself, it's been my biggest wake-up call to be quite serious about life.


I get my strength and my hopes from myself, from the people who believed in me and from God.


2010 has been my unlucky year add-up that I'm heartbroken. CHOS
I promised that my 2011 will be sunny no matter what happened and I thank God he heard me. thanks, you papa jesus.


It was december of 2010 when i took my second test and first quarter of 2011 when the result was released. same reaction that of august except that I cry because I am happy. triggered happy :) uhm, well.


The invisible weight faded-out and the emotional wounds healed in snap.


It's exactly one year today that happened all the heart aches, losed hopes, faded dreams. I din't let it affect me, turned out to be my pushing gem to keep me going.


" I did it". the most beautiful words I've heard myself saying after a long time. received the precious congratulatory messages i was aiming for since last year. YES. the smile from my parents lips knowing that I made them so proud of me. priceless. hugs from my friends as they congratulate me. wow


bitterweet memories, thought I'd share.

[take one, july 2010]

the day before the Big day

mass at SBC-mendiola with co-eastwest reviewes

review center's themed song, "one moment in time"

friends and classmates

self-review???
srzly , I'm in my serious mode. #chosnachos

at starbucks, i think it's one week before the exam. gearing-up

only shows

B.O.N voyage. game over celebration with friends

to unwind, tarlac

unwind at tagaytay

part of the graduation gift. 3months delayed, worth-it though.
iloveSG
i miss the BBQ sting ray #craving

one week after the result has been released, "grieving" party

good 'ol beer

picked up the pieces. goodvibes again

for Ol' time sake

[take two and last, december 2010]

srzly, I am serious this part :)~

starts my second review

anatomy, kill me. now

we failed,

but we get up

we don't lose hope,

until we can say," yes, we did it". RN na kami.

double celebration: B.O.N voyage 3 and Bbabies christmas party

If there is one thing i should be thankful for,for failing, is that i get more mature. on handling things, on handling my life, on everything.


I learned my lesson the painful way, but at least I'm one year over now. I can now laugh with the dramas and emo notes i wrote on my planner/journal from last year.


the downiest past brings the brightest of tomorrow. I'm smiling as I wrote this.