what

IDK whats happened with some of my entries photos. they turned in to black with shut-off button in white. errrrr


it's getting on my nerves. bigtime.

feels like yesterday

[26th of august, 2010]

Open my eyes,it's already nine (9) in the morning. I saw the sun showing his might. I Bounce out of my bed and hurried down the stairs. 


[doing my usual morning habits]


Greeted my Mom, auntie and cousin a "good morning", eat breakfast and then fly upstairs to get my precious phone.


swipe to right my thumb and saw a 1 message received on the screen. The message goes like "lumabas na result ng boards", I don't remember who texted though. mixed of emotions i felt, excitement and nervousness.


I shouted to my housemates, " lumabas na daw result, paki-tignan. wag niyo akong bibiglain ah" as my heart goes thump-thump. Also called daddy to check-on the result. I started crying (imagine it's just 10 o'clock in the morning and i already have a zoombie eyes, red&puffy), i cry and cry and cry as I'm checking my FB on my phone (thank god to wi-fi).


And I even cry louder and harder when I saw my classmates and schoolmates and result waiting mates (who already saw the result) putting RN on their last name while my cousin shouted back at me "neng, wala pa naman result. di namin makita. anong site daw ba?"


"meron na, nakita na nga nila eh. may mga RN na nga pangalan nila". still crying, (after a minute or two) my auntie (mommy's older sister and was here for a vacation) went to our room and whisper to me, "neng, di ka nakapasa".


my sense of hearing are in the midst of whether to hear it or to heart it not. "sure ka? dinouble check nio ba?", "bawi ka nalang sa december, magdasal and magsimba ka kasi lagi". I didn't hear the following words she'd say.


I hugged my pillow tight, crying, still holding my phone and checking my FB profile once in a while if theres any congratulatory wall posts on it , to be sure just in case they were wrong (see how denial i am, it's much worst when you saw me that time).


i saw none, followed up by sympathy messages from my friends (who gladly passed), still! reality do not sink in.


after my auntie, my cousin, went up and hugged me and told me to stop crying 'cos there's next time. that those who made it just got enough luck.


but, I'm still crying. and then my mom went upstairs, told me the same thing. hugged and kissed me. calmed me. Called daddy again and told him I didn't make-it and thank God for the soothing-words from my parents and my sister who still have the guts to joke me up but I know she cares 'cos she texted me blaming herself from what happened to me. sweet.


five hours of non-stop crying, I must've gotten tired. I wiped my now dried-eyes, went downstairs with my hik-hik-hik sound. 


My auntie suggested that we go to the nearby church (we did). as I walked on the pathway on our way home, I can only feel the air kissing my cheeks and brushing off my hair away from my face.nothing else. 

...

after what happened, I'm close to deactivating my account. I can't stand to see the NRNs, posting like this and that. It crushing my heart to bits and the to bits and bits. I don't go to the bottle session invites. "victory" party. I'm literally socially shut-off.


I put myself in a shell as I ponder on the things that concerns me.


a month or two, when I broke the shield I built between myself and others. and thats also the time that I gained enough guts to see the results of the board that gave me so much heart pain.


I pick myself little by little, the pain remains, ofcourse! and with the support of my other co-losers (that time, HAA). I enrolled again to a review class where I wanted to review from the very beginning but because of the influenced of my friends and because I didn't want to be separated from them, i didn't choose.


I can managed to open my FB account once in a while (not every minute like before). I talk to my friends (not usual like before). i go to bottle sessions (not every invite like before). I'm near grounded. 


two (2) months focus on review equals to two months abstinence from pleasurable things. It been my mantra and as my mommy always used to say to me and I never nevermind, " two months, just two months then you can do whatever you want." and I never regret every little sacrifices I made that time.


looking back at my first review and the things I've done those times, I realized that I unconsciously took it for granted as I compared it to how determined, serious and focus I am at my second review.


I wake up early everyday to review before going to class. I go to church every after review. I learned to be patient. I learned to be dead serious with my duties as a review e. I never felt this positivity before. I never felt so inspired (minus literal inspiration). 


I am the epitome of energizerbunny. HAA!


if you read my previous entries, you'll know its not my first time  to blog about my failure. I can't help myself, it's been my biggest wake-up call to be quite serious about life.


I get my strength and my hopes from myself, from the people who believed in me and from God.


2010 has been my unlucky year add-up that I'm heartbroken. CHOS
I promised that my 2011 will be sunny no matter what happened and I thank God he heard me. thanks, you papa jesus.


It was december of 2010 when i took my second test and first quarter of 2011 when the result was released. same reaction that of august except that I cry because I am happy. triggered happy :) uhm, well.


The invisible weight faded-out and the emotional wounds healed in snap.


It's exactly one year today that happened all the heart aches, losed hopes, faded dreams. I din't let it affect me, turned out to be my pushing gem to keep me going.


" I did it". the most beautiful words I've heard myself saying after a long time. received the precious congratulatory messages i was aiming for since last year. YES. the smile from my parents lips knowing that I made them so proud of me. priceless. hugs from my friends as they congratulate me. wow


bitterweet memories, thought I'd share.

[take one, july 2010]

the day before the Big day

mass at SBC-mendiola with co-eastwest reviewes

review center's themed song, "one moment in time"

friends and classmates

self-review???
srzly , I'm in my serious mode. #chosnachos

at starbucks, i think it's one week before the exam. gearing-up

only shows

B.O.N voyage. game over celebration with friends

to unwind, tarlac

unwind at tagaytay

part of the graduation gift. 3months delayed, worth-it though.
iloveSG
i miss the BBQ sting ray #craving

one week after the result has been released, "grieving" party

good 'ol beer

picked up the pieces. goodvibes again

for Ol' time sake

[take two and last, december 2010]

srzly, I am serious this part :)~

starts my second review

anatomy, kill me. now

we failed,

but we get up

we don't lose hope,

until we can say," yes, we did it". RN na kami.

double celebration: B.O.N voyage 3 and Bbabies christmas party

If there is one thing i should be thankful for,for failing, is that i get more mature. on handling things, on handling my life, on everything.


I learned my lesson the painful way, but at least I'm one year over now. I can now laugh with the dramas and emo notes i wrote on my planner/journal from last year.


the downiest past brings the brightest of tomorrow. I'm smiling as I wrote this.

i just want

what makes a person to be completely happy and not just some made in china smile?

happiness varies in every persons perception of happiness.I believe. whatever you think will make you happy, can't not make you happy. I can be wrong, but maybe it also depends on how you make your way to claim your happiness. ain't it?

I believe, the simpler you live the better your life will be. of course. there's no substitute to a 'low maintaining' life. thunder, hurricane and whatever natural disasters will ever rock your world, you can always make your way out.

I just realized now that what important is not owning a luxurious 7-star hotels, or being a billionaire, shoulder-to-shoulder with glamourous people you doesn't have knowledge about their true nature. it's about having what you really wanted in your mere existence.

It's not that I'm envious of them or anything. I wanna be 'top' my human class someday. I won't deny it, of course. who doesn't? i have a dream, a very very very big dream. and I'll not let that pop-out for nothing.

but, what i really want and I think the sole purpose of human existence is to be happy and contented with life itself. laugh and chats with family, a hug from parents, a long walks with friends, surprise on birthdays, simple things like that, what i mean.

some ruined the mentality by getting more when they have already more. ironic. people not gifted the ability to experience the 'kaginhawaan' bought about by the material things contented with rice and a viand in their plate, while the others who have everything, wants to get more on earth has to offer.

don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you should continue to be just like that and forget to dream.BIG. just to be sensitive enough for the others to feel like what you did. got it?

if what you've got was what you really wanted from the very beginning(material or not), no matter how smaller than small it was, I'm sure, you'll not crave for anything else. ever. even a tinge of envy to others.

I'm pretty of a material girl. guilty guilty. I can't measure the joy it brings to me when I held a new pair of shoes or, or when I carry my newly baby signatured bag out the 'runway'. but, of course! It are just my instant happiness booster when i feel all ghetto. nothing compares to the euphoria things that money can't buy brings.

I'm being pointless, again. whatever.HAA! oopsss, sorry. 

tin, get to your point, get to your point. chap-chap.

I'm figuring out what I really wanted in life's whats bugging me this past few days. i got no clue what to do, where to start and what i really want. i don't wanna be all grey and full of regrets.


sorting out what can make me happy and contented. what my ideal life likes, what I think i want to do. simply want/s. thought I'd share... 

[photo credits: google images]

to be dolled-up.
being presentable comes respect. like it or not, its how some youngters act nowadays.

do you hear the mannequins talking? yes, like on "confessions of a shopaholic" movie? do you have the guts to ignore them when they have a huge tag all over the glass wall saying 50% and lower printed in red ink? one of the temptations (except food) that I can't not resist.I'm just human.

to shop!
shopping bags are the best (and i'll never get tired) weights to carry, ever! -krysteen

to own designer stuffs.
who doesn't want to have some of the famous designers gathered together in their very own closet and shelfs?
It's the second thing i would embrace besides from my pillows.

to have my own lil' imelda in my room.
they say, finding the right shoes is like finding your soulmate. i must agree.
walk in them, you'll be sky-high. breezy.
when it comes to shoes, don't settle for anything else but feet-comfy. rmb, your feet can bring you places when the gas rans out.

i wanna be TIN with H. THINSPIRATION it is!

i rmb, I always used to say when i was kid that I 

should eat less. but, it seems that i do the reverse. HAA

take up interior and furniture design
furniture store and interior design biz.

to pet a pot belly pig
my other obsession aside from hello kitty stuffs are pigs

 to learn how to bake
i love sweets so definitely i love cakes and the likes

to cook different kind of dishes

to watch movie alone. try lang :)

to open up a restaurant

to learn the art of 'make-up', and to put on the face goodies every now and then
i just want to look good whenever, wherever. it makes me face my everydays with
such confidence.

i just want to eat chicken when i feel low and about. artificial lover.instant mood upper

couldn't get any more sunny day with a cone of ice cream.

sweetest thing left when everything turned sour.

a bar of chocolate wouldn't hurt every now and then. it makes the bad day betterer.

significant others who love and support you. 

a friend you can always turn to,

burst out my personal bubble and view world in its different angles. travel baby.
since i was a kid, i always wanted to be in the moving vehicle, be that car, plane or ship. as long as it gets me moving from one place to another. i hate being still, it bores me to death. there is so much to explore!

memoriesssss, preserve!
i❤photographs.

a loving-handsome husband, i can grow old with.

a happy and loving family of my own

a HOME and not a house.
a home that is full of laughter, love, and pure bliss.

a car to take me places.

but above all, I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY.
sha la la

midnight thoughts

I don't stand still, i walk. slowly, in my own pace.surely. and thats how I begin.

I'm torn about which way to go, the one with a sure future or the one that I want but no assurance whether I'll succeed. Its kind of battling between 'practicality' and 'dream' and It's pretty hard what to choose 'cos THERE depends the destiny of my bank account/s.

Really, beginnings are the hardest but i didn't know it could cost me more than just a headache by simply thinking. what. whatttttt?

I think of this, I think of that. I'm stuck with choices of no certainty to choose me back. quite pathetic.

sometimes it's more easier when you just think about it and then there're times that the more you think about it the harder it appears to be. But, when you're already in the situation you just doesn't know what to feel and do. confused.

...ignore the thoughts that came late at night.

how much I'm trying to ignore the bed epiphanies that came late at night 'cos it just made my mind wander and wonder more but i t's just as hard as not to grab a bite of snickers infront of you. imagine the caramel and chocolate aroma? hard to resist. like now now now now.

what'll I do? my mind perform at its best during night time. nocturnal mind, you can say that. 

I am a fan of 'random thoughts'. idk where will this go, i just wanna lessen the weight in my mind. i can feel it'll burst anytime soon.

CIAO!

SCREENings

Its been what, like one-year and three-months when I first held my precious 'ban-ban' [laptop] with my own hands.


since THAT day, I saved all'd been my wallpaper,