feels like yesterday

[26th of august, 2010]

Open my eyes,it's already nine (9) in the morning. I saw the sun showing his might. I Bounce out of my bed and hurried down the stairs. 


[doing my usual morning habits]


Greeted my Mom, auntie and cousin a "good morning", eat breakfast and then fly upstairs to get my precious phone.


swipe to right my thumb and saw a 1 message received on the screen. The message goes like "lumabas na result ng boards", I don't remember who texted though. mixed of emotions i felt, excitement and nervousness.


I shouted to my housemates, " lumabas na daw result, paki-tignan. wag niyo akong bibiglain ah" as my heart goes thump-thump. Also called daddy to check-on the result. I started crying (imagine it's just 10 o'clock in the morning and i already have a zoombie eyes, red&puffy), i cry and cry and cry as I'm checking my FB on my phone (thank god to wi-fi).


And I even cry louder and harder when I saw my classmates and schoolmates and result waiting mates (who already saw the result) putting RN on their last name while my cousin shouted back at me "neng, wala pa naman result. di namin makita. anong site daw ba?"


"meron na, nakita na nga nila eh. may mga RN na nga pangalan nila". still crying, (after a minute or two) my auntie (mommy's older sister and was here for a vacation) went to our room and whisper to me, "neng, di ka nakapasa".


my sense of hearing are in the midst of whether to hear it or to heart it not. "sure ka? dinouble check nio ba?", "bawi ka nalang sa december, magdasal and magsimba ka kasi lagi". I didn't hear the following words she'd say.


I hugged my pillow tight, crying, still holding my phone and checking my FB profile once in a while if theres any congratulatory wall posts on it , to be sure just in case they were wrong (see how denial i am, it's much worst when you saw me that time).


i saw none, followed up by sympathy messages from my friends (who gladly passed), still! reality do not sink in.


after my auntie, my cousin, went up and hugged me and told me to stop crying 'cos there's next time. that those who made it just got enough luck.


but, I'm still crying. and then my mom went upstairs, told me the same thing. hugged and kissed me. calmed me. Called daddy again and told him I didn't make-it and thank God for the soothing-words from my parents and my sister who still have the guts to joke me up but I know she cares 'cos she texted me blaming herself from what happened to me. sweet.


five hours of non-stop crying, I must've gotten tired. I wiped my now dried-eyes, went downstairs with my hik-hik-hik sound. 


My auntie suggested that we go to the nearby church (we did). as I walked on the pathway on our way home, I can only feel the air kissing my cheeks and brushing off my hair away from my face.nothing else. 

...

after what happened, I'm close to deactivating my account. I can't stand to see the NRNs, posting like this and that. It crushing my heart to bits and the to bits and bits. I don't go to the bottle session invites. "victory" party. I'm literally socially shut-off.


I put myself in a shell as I ponder on the things that concerns me.


a month or two, when I broke the shield I built between myself and others. and thats also the time that I gained enough guts to see the results of the board that gave me so much heart pain.


I pick myself little by little, the pain remains, ofcourse! and with the support of my other co-losers (that time, HAA). I enrolled again to a review class where I wanted to review from the very beginning but because of the influenced of my friends and because I didn't want to be separated from them, i didn't choose.


I can managed to open my FB account once in a while (not every minute like before). I talk to my friends (not usual like before). i go to bottle sessions (not every invite like before). I'm near grounded. 


two (2) months focus on review equals to two months abstinence from pleasurable things. It been my mantra and as my mommy always used to say to me and I never nevermind, " two months, just two months then you can do whatever you want." and I never regret every little sacrifices I made that time.


looking back at my first review and the things I've done those times, I realized that I unconsciously took it for granted as I compared it to how determined, serious and focus I am at my second review.


I wake up early everyday to review before going to class. I go to church every after review. I learned to be patient. I learned to be dead serious with my duties as a review e. I never felt this positivity before. I never felt so inspired (minus literal inspiration). 


I am the epitome of energizerbunny. HAA!


if you read my previous entries, you'll know its not my first time  to blog about my failure. I can't help myself, it's been my biggest wake-up call to be quite serious about life.


I get my strength and my hopes from myself, from the people who believed in me and from God.


2010 has been my unlucky year add-up that I'm heartbroken. CHOS
I promised that my 2011 will be sunny no matter what happened and I thank God he heard me. thanks, you papa jesus.


It was december of 2010 when i took my second test and first quarter of 2011 when the result was released. same reaction that of august except that I cry because I am happy. triggered happy :) uhm, well.


The invisible weight faded-out and the emotional wounds healed in snap.


It's exactly one year today that happened all the heart aches, losed hopes, faded dreams. I din't let it affect me, turned out to be my pushing gem to keep me going.


" I did it". the most beautiful words I've heard myself saying after a long time. received the precious congratulatory messages i was aiming for since last year. YES. the smile from my parents lips knowing that I made them so proud of me. priceless. hugs from my friends as they congratulate me. wow


bitterweet memories, thought I'd share.

[take one, july 2010]

the day before the Big day

mass at SBC-mendiola with co-eastwest reviewes

review center's themed song, "one moment in time"

friends and classmates

self-review???
srzly , I'm in my serious mode. #chosnachos

at starbucks, i think it's one week before the exam. gearing-up

only shows

B.O.N voyage. game over celebration with friends

to unwind, tarlac

unwind at tagaytay

part of the graduation gift. 3months delayed, worth-it though.
iloveSG
i miss the BBQ sting ray #craving

one week after the result has been released, "grieving" party

good 'ol beer

picked up the pieces. goodvibes again

for Ol' time sake

[take two and last, december 2010]

srzly, I am serious this part :)~

starts my second review

anatomy, kill me. now

we failed,

but we get up

we don't lose hope,

until we can say," yes, we did it". RN na kami.

double celebration: B.O.N voyage 3 and Bbabies christmas party

If there is one thing i should be thankful for,for failing, is that i get more mature. on handling things, on handling my life, on everything.


I learned my lesson the painful way, but at least I'm one year over now. I can now laugh with the dramas and emo notes i wrote on my planner/journal from last year.


the downiest past brings the brightest of tomorrow. I'm smiling as I wrote this.